No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
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Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
you know what ruined my childhood? children
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
me when i see my girls butt
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary