Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
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[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”