*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
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Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk