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Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Spa day..😅
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.