If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
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Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
One venti cheeseburger please.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”