[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
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Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.