I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
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“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Can’t stop laughing
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.