My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
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7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
gm
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.