By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
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From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.