Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
i hate you platonically
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Wake me when AI does housework
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.