Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
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let’s discuss
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me