“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
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My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair