repaired
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You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
happy mother’s day❤️
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
😂 amazing answer
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.