This made me laugh more than it should鈥檝e 馃槶
You Might Also Like
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
This meal prepping shit easy
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
No idea how I鈥檝e managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
ME: Who鈥檚 haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I鈥檓 sending a pizza down to check it out.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?