Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
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Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both