About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
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Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.