i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
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San Francisco has too many rules
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Love it! 👍😂
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Phonetics
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha