Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
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[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
This is not me but this is me
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.