It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
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On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.