The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
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[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails