Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
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If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Pass gas, not judgment.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
thank god the sign was there
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*