“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
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Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back