*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
You Might Also Like
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Breaking news:
December birthdays be like…
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back: