I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
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Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Meme Monday.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course