How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
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pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Stop sending me this shit.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”