My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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DOOO EEEET
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.