‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
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Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.