Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
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Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”