Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
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Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
me working on my assignments ^-^
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..