Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
You Might Also Like
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl