Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
You Might Also Like
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
She: I like Cats
He:
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy