[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
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If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?