Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
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Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.