[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
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“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
This 4th of July, please remember…
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
💻🤡
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
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pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby