Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
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Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Wait a second…
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Still cracks me up
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.