I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
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using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.