Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
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wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
How to draw a duck
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My dress code is business-casualty.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.