My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
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Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
no such thing as a dumb question
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?