My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
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Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.