Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
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[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.