If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
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[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*