“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
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Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse