I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
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The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June