If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
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Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.