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The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My love language is hissing.