the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
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[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you