Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
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This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Does this dress make me look cat?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?