Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
You Might Also Like
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses