I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
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If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”