*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
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the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
our love story in four pictures
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.